Hard Days

After 6 weeks away from work, I finally went back. I teach grade one. I actually went back the Friday before March Break to have a day to "get it over with". It was an ok day I guess. It was a combination of feeling like I might have the plague and feeling overwhelmed. My students were amazing and moved on so quickly. It was 20 minutes of catching me up on all their life events (lost teeth, trips and school work) then it was back to our old routine - like I never left. I came home exhausted and completely disorganized. Having a classroom is like owning a second house, and when you've had other people in caring for it, it is hard to find the most common items like a blue pen! The teachers who filled in we're fantastic and I know they love the kids as much as I do. I'm so thankful for that, but it took me a couple hours over March Break to feel I could find things in my classroom again.

Now my staff were absolutely amazing through my entire ordeal. They kept us well fed, prayed for and constant emails of concern. But being back in the building is tough. I feel like most people don't know what to say to me, or they only ask for help with some high tech problem. I really hate how this is now the "new me". I'm no longer the old me, I'm different and people really treat me like that. The hard part is that I'm overly sensitive to it and of course overly tired so it just makes everything worse. It is so exhausting trying to keep it together all day long. There were a few days I felt like things went well, but then it is right back to feeling awkward and sensitive.

Some days are going to be hard and Mack probably feels it too. I hope there are days when Mack will reach out, hold my hand and help me through. Cheers to a new me!

The Beginning...

This will be a post in progress. Our beginning on this roller coaster journey starts back in 2004 but I guess I could really far back to how I met my husband and such. But I think for now the short version will do. So here are the details:

Married in 2003
Early Miscarriage - 2004
Daughter born in November 2005 - (and of course she was an NHL lockout baby!)
Miscarriage at 12 weeks - 2007
Miscarriage at 11 weeks - 2008
Add in a serious car accident, a diagnosis of low sperm count, follow by a surgery to try to help that situation, births of many friends children and a beautiful niece and nephew (from my sister and only 18 months apart)...and seven years of not using birth control...leads us to today.

Today is a day of heartache and joy...
Joy because we received news that we will have another niece or nephew in October to join our other niece or nephew coming in August...which should have been a cousin for our angel and miracle baby due June 20th, 2013...but our angel Mack didn't make it.

Mack lost her heartbeat at 20 weeks 1 day on Friday, February 1st.
She was born on Sunday, February 3rd, 2013.
I felt her last kicks on Thursday, January 31st, 2013.

Today I am trying to be happy and excited for my brothers, but it is so hard when you heart aches. It has been just over a month since grief took over our lives and each day brings new challenges and moments of joy. Hopefully this blog will bring my focus back, help me to deal with raising an only child and help me find joy in my days. This blog is for Mackenzie Joy, our angel in heaven and for Nora - our angel on Earth.